I Don't Need Anything Much...

to be happy.

And I could leave it at that...but of course I'll elaborate.

I remember my first thoughts of needing someone to be happy. I remember being separated from my mother at a young age and crying for her every night...I felt like I needed her to be happy.

I remember hitting about eight or nine and all of a sudden, I needed friends to be happy. I remember the excitement of anticipation of a sleepover or when we would talk on the phone for hours. When I ended up moving an hour a way, and the only contact was a long distance phone bill, I thought my life was over.

I remember hitting about twelve and got introduced to they idea of "going together" and thought I wasn't complete without a boyfriend. I remember the adrenaline rush of sneaking out at night, the thrill of simply "going out" and all the drama that came along with highschool love. When he started seeing someone else, I clung to his car and begged him not to leave with her...I needed him to be happy.

I remember finishing college, obtaining a "good job" and feeling the need to have a child and have nice things in life. I added to the debt of college, bought everything new including a brand new leased car and a brand new puppy, all to "add" to my life. When I got pregnant with twins, I had to quit my job and move an hour away in order to get support & left my oldest with his father. I almost had a nervous breakdown (broke out in hives and all). My car went back, I had no job, my son was gone - what would I do? I needed all that to be happy. I didn't know who I was without it.

A few years later, my husband wanted a separation. After having three children, I had to start over again. This time with a used car, used furniture - little to no money and with not much other than the kids occassionally, my laptop and work. In the recent years I had began searching for whatever it was that would bring me great success, not just a 9-5 life. But after the search stopped and I really began to think, I realized...once again, I felt that I needed something else outstanding to state that I was here, my life was big and meant something.

I eventually realized the only thing I needed to chase after or have, was me. No more comparisons, no more looking at the catalogs thinking "when I get this", no more looking at other's relationships and thinking I want that, houses, cars and people who quote unquote "had it all". This time, which was the first time, I was beginning to experience all that I was, rather than wanting all that I was not. All that I felt I had lost or gained was not who I was...therefore it was never mine, nor did I need it in the first place. The thing that made me happiest in life, I always had with me - and ultimately that was me.

So all the people, possessions and/or ideas I was chasing, have stopped. They have been replaced by whatever truly brings me the most joy and happiness. I am more focused on all that I do have and what allows me to feel successful in any given moment, which none of the outside world can influence.

All the things it took for me to get here - sour, the fact that I am here - sweet.