If it ain't broke...

don't fix it.

I remember hearing Oprah talk about her & Stedman's relationship concerning marriage. She said if they would've ever been married, it would've never worked...something about the expectation part of things.

At that time, I was married - struggling and didn't really get it? Why did my marriage not work? There had to be some huge reason...we didn't want the same things in life, there was no sex life, there was someone else, we weren't feeling the chemistry or connection, we didn't love each other, there were some huge trust issues? It couldn't have actually been what he was communicating & complaining about...me not cooking, wearing lingerie, doing housework in a certain fashion or going all out on holidays? The fact that I didn't live up to what he thought a wife should be, you've got to be kidding me - what a cruel joke. It couldn't possibly be that simple. You mean I had been stressed and beating myself black and blue for years, over some simple idea that seemed well...too simple and well...easy to fix - by just damn leaving if he couldn't get over this crazy ideology, lol?

We had three children, a mortgage...where was the bigger picture in all of this for him? Sure, I had many expectations as well, however I had been through many relationships before and realized I was at a point of accepting that no man would ever be worth me, lol...so did it really matter which one I chose to have sex with (other than one that wouldn't give me an STD or knock me up), share time or pay bills with...no, not really. I was beyond the Cinderella stuff and I was more into making my own dreams come true, rather than waiting on prince charming to do it for me.

However, my husband wasn't there yet.

I must say, that of course I still do love my husband...and there was more to me picking him than the things mentioned above. However, marriage/stability and living in a traditional sense was for the kids and something that still may whisper to me here and there.

But for now, the decision has been made. Counseling, yes - it's been very helpful and very clear on putting things into perspective and where we truly are. We can go take the kids to see fireworks, attend family functions, even hang out & have sex every once inawhile (all of which we were usually unable to do b/c of I was the "opponent" before) but when it comes to talking about reconciliation and marriage again, an argument always abrupts into what I should've been doing as a "wife".

I won't lie and say that it has been easy to let down my expectation of marriage, family together under the same roof. I won't lie and say that this will last forever for us, that it is easy leaving the next day, easy on the kids or just in general. However I will say that it is the best option for now and I'm not sure I would trade it for the promise of a new man and life in the "traditional" sense.

I never considered myself a "traditionalist", however never imagined that this would be the sense that it wouldn't be traditional in. This is however the beginning of a new chapter, and one thing I know for sure, it is much more peaceful and I am able to love my husband in ways, I never was before. So all in all, if it ain't broke...I'm not touching it.

The fact that my life isn't turning out the way I had hoped or imagined, sour...the fact that I'm able to make peace with it and enjoy what I do have...very, very sweet.