Luck or not?

Some people believe in luck, others don't. Maybe luck is a combination of things, all coming together at the right exact moment? Oprah says it's preparedness meeting opportunity, I could agree with some of that.

However, whether it be timing, or just being at the right place at the right time, I believe somewhere that thing called luck is put into the equation.

You hear alot about America being the land of opportunity. That takes care of alot of the being at the right place thing but there's more elements to luck than that. Of course one of the biggest strokes of luck in life is what parents & environment you are born into. No matter what cards we were dealt when we got here, we are here and we are in America, so there's some luck. Not to say that you must have luck to be happy, but it sure can help in alot of areas.

Maybe if I concentrate more on luck, how good it has been to me so far, it will befriend me and help take it's enemy of strife and struggle out with a vengence?!

Money can't buy love, but it can...

buy freedom....and freedom for me means alot more opportunity and possibility.

You know it's funny because I've always heard the question "what's keeping you up at night", however unless it's some type of ailment that physically prevented me from sleep, I always got mine...oh how I love sleep!!

However, unfortunately now the phrase means a little more to me than that.

With a pending divorce and being faced with the struggles of being at least a part-time single mom, there's alot of contemplation these days...and yes, it's the kind that wakes you up at night.

I think wow, I didn't want or see things turning out at such in my life, never expected twins...yada, yada, yada. But the time is here & it is what it is.

I know that there are always outside factors (not being Donald Trump being one of them) that can create financially instability in ones life or undesirable circumstances...but sucking it up, can be a hard lemon to swallow.

All the "what if's" in life can invade your space and create a world of stress and havoc if you allow it. Every unexpected cost or something that you can't afford being another cobweb you have to walk through and clean off your face.

Last night I dreamt I was being strangled & I couldn't breathe...I woke myself up pretty quickly on that one. I'm not one to read alot in my dreams (don't have the notebook by my bed or anything) but that's one that sort of sticks w/you, and I thought...wonder what the hell that one means?

Well the answer came yesterday evening when it has been determined that my oldest will stay w/his dad next year and I'll be coughing up the child support (money no where to be found) to be sending him....talk about a big sting, or two of them. I can add that to my "contemplation" list as well...as simply contemplating on how to deal.

So the moral of this story is...people in our society look down on people who put money before even love, but they may just not be aware of the freedom it brings with the allowance of more choice & being able to breathe...at least long enough to be able to find, appreciate & enjoy that thing called...love.

Why's Elton J. hatin' on the bloggers??

I just read an article today where Elton John asked how much creative stuff would be created if the internet was taken away for five years?! What?! He goes on to say how people need to get out, communicate & create stuff? Hmmm...okay, nothing is communicated or created online??

He's talks in terms of music, however he mentions everyone sitting at home & doing nothing but blogging? I'm confused as to what the two really have to do w/each other. I'm sure people sit at home & make music in their homes with their huge studios, that's been around for decades. I'm sure they must still have meetings and collaborate?

I guess taking the internet away struck a cord for me, regardless of what crazy person it may have came from. Not saying Elton John is crazy, but I think he's probably too elevated for anyone to say how "down to earth" he is.

I know they have debates about internet addiction and I would probably be one of the candidates in question. I know there is fear that everyone will begin replacing their arms and legs with laptops, cell phones and i-pods. We will become a technically conquered nation and the only evidence that we ever existed will be a chip of some sort or a web address - lol. But how would we possibly survive without taking care of daily business while in our cars, not having the latests news and information at the drop of our fingertip, unable to work from anywhere or any of the other millions of glorious things that the internet and technology have done for us??!!

We would go back to the days of caves and hunting food, or at least back to having to being unable to see what a picture looked like until it was processed...the horror!!

I think human contact is wonderful, so is getting in your car and physically going somewhere. However to take away the excitement and fun of blogging and internet...shame on you Elton John!!!

Happiness is a choice!!

After 29 years on this planet, I have fortunately realized that happiness is a choice and so is our life...and alot of everything in it as well.

Sure, as far as we know...we didn't have a choice concerning who our parents were or what type of environment we were raised in. We didn't have much choice other than to sit back and enjoy the ride. If it wasn't an enjoyable one, we had to keep looking forward to the day that we could get off or out of it. However even with the most miserable of household circumstances, there was usually always a way to escape and find more enjoyment and fulfillment outside somewhere.

It is unfortunate that many people live their lives unaware of the choices that they truly do have in life. They make up excuses, they use outside factors that cloud their vision and make their decisions for them...then they often wonder why they are "unhappy".

And truth be told, underlyingly - most people do know that they have a choice, but often that choice doesn't seem easy or then they wouldn't have a reason to complain or be angry if they opted for it. Many have to look at themselves and admit that the reason they are still continuing to make decisions that seem to make them unhappy is because the alternative wouldn't necessarily make them happy either - if they really looked at it.

And so what happens to our lives while we spend them "unhappy" or "angry" because things "seem" not to be going our way? We allow them and our happiness and joy to simply pass us by. And before we know it, we are old - we feel as if we haven't lived a life that truly speaks about us or been able to offer the world what we are truly capable of. We allow our ego to dictate our life story, rather than allowing our spirit to experience itself and the truth of life.

Sure there are many things in life that we don't have control over or a choice in. Yet those things can never take away from our biggest choice of all, unless we choose to allow it. The choice is to be happy.

How far down or up the chain are we???

lol.

I have to laugh about this, but today as I looked down my legs, having skipped a few days of shaving & I noticed how you don't just have more hair around your pubic area, it actually still grows more vastly upon your inner thigh as well. So I had to think about what would I really look like if there were no such things as razors, tweezers or any of the hygiene stuff that we can so easily take for granted? I think I have the answer...we really would begin to resemble those things that hang from trees and eat bananas.

I think we as "humans" sometimes give ourselves way too much credit. Most of us know how to take care of ourselves in a hygienical fashion, to stay out of the rain and cold, to shop for and bring home food, to make eye contact to get a mate, to show affection, and to communicate through voice and body language. Is this much different than what most animals out in the jungle do...hmmm.

I remember when in high school, one of my favorite pass times was to either sit in lunch or at the mall and watch people interact and go about their daily business. I must say, it was pure entertainment and fun for me. Some people view making fun of people as something mean, that only someone insecure and angry that wanted to feel better about themselves would do. And I did buy into that theory for a moment, sure I had insecure, angry moments as a teenager & still do...however if I'm really honest, I people watched for pure amazement and pleasure.

I would imagine if I had never seen a human before. And oh, that made it even scarier. Hollywood doesn't have to go to far from what the human condition can be boxed in to make something look like a monster or scary. Often you can find one shopping at your local grocery store or eating at your favorite restaurant.

I'm not the most attractive female on the planet and even if I was, I would have to say that if I saw myself or anyone else with new eyes, I would see a new correlation b/w me and other creatures on the planet. I would see how strangely we walk, talk, carry ourselves and live our lives in such amazing patterns and ways.

Sure, I think the human body in it's greatest form can seem extraordinary, amazing and in so many ways...beautiful, especially since it's all we know or have ever seen. But when you take the spirit & the mind out of it & take another look at it, it can make us all seem quite crazy looking and odd...even the most beautiful of "people".

If it ain't broke...

don't fix it.

I remember hearing Oprah talk about her & Stedman's relationship concerning marriage. She said if they would've ever been married, it would've never worked...something about the expectation part of things.

At that time, I was married - struggling and didn't really get it? Why did my marriage not work? There had to be some huge reason...we didn't want the same things in life, there was no sex life, there was someone else, we weren't feeling the chemistry or connection, we didn't love each other, there were some huge trust issues? It couldn't have actually been what he was communicating & complaining about...me not cooking, wearing lingerie, doing housework in a certain fashion or going all out on holidays? The fact that I didn't live up to what he thought a wife should be, you've got to be kidding me - what a cruel joke. It couldn't possibly be that simple. You mean I had been stressed and beating myself black and blue for years, over some simple idea that seemed well...too simple and well...easy to fix - by just damn leaving if he couldn't get over this crazy ideology, lol?

We had three children, a mortgage...where was the bigger picture in all of this for him? Sure, I had many expectations as well, however I had been through many relationships before and realized I was at a point of accepting that no man would ever be worth me, lol...so did it really matter which one I chose to have sex with (other than one that wouldn't give me an STD or knock me up), share time or pay bills with...no, not really. I was beyond the Cinderella stuff and I was more into making my own dreams come true, rather than waiting on prince charming to do it for me.

However, my husband wasn't there yet.

I must say, that of course I still do love my husband...and there was more to me picking him than the things mentioned above. However, marriage/stability and living in a traditional sense was for the kids and something that still may whisper to me here and there.

But for now, the decision has been made. Counseling, yes - it's been very helpful and very clear on putting things into perspective and where we truly are. We can go take the kids to see fireworks, attend family functions, even hang out & have sex every once inawhile (all of which we were usually unable to do b/c of I was the "opponent" before) but when it comes to talking about reconciliation and marriage again, an argument always abrupts into what I should've been doing as a "wife".

I won't lie and say that it has been easy to let down my expectation of marriage, family together under the same roof. I won't lie and say that this will last forever for us, that it is easy leaving the next day, easy on the kids or just in general. However I will say that it is the best option for now and I'm not sure I would trade it for the promise of a new man and life in the "traditional" sense.

I never considered myself a "traditionalist", however never imagined that this would be the sense that it wouldn't be traditional in. This is however the beginning of a new chapter, and one thing I know for sure, it is much more peaceful and I am able to love my husband in ways, I never was before. So all in all, if it ain't broke...I'm not touching it.

The fact that my life isn't turning out the way I had hoped or imagined, sour...the fact that I'm able to make peace with it and enjoy what I do have...very, very sweet.

I Don't Need Anything Much...

to be happy.

And I could leave it at that...but of course I'll elaborate.

I remember my first thoughts of needing someone to be happy. I remember being separated from my mother at a young age and crying for her every night...I felt like I needed her to be happy.

I remember hitting about eight or nine and all of a sudden, I needed friends to be happy. I remember the excitement of anticipation of a sleepover or when we would talk on the phone for hours. When I ended up moving an hour a way, and the only contact was a long distance phone bill, I thought my life was over.

I remember hitting about twelve and got introduced to they idea of "going together" and thought I wasn't complete without a boyfriend. I remember the adrenaline rush of sneaking out at night, the thrill of simply "going out" and all the drama that came along with highschool love. When he started seeing someone else, I clung to his car and begged him not to leave with her...I needed him to be happy.

I remember finishing college, obtaining a "good job" and feeling the need to have a child and have nice things in life. I added to the debt of college, bought everything new including a brand new leased car and a brand new puppy, all to "add" to my life. When I got pregnant with twins, I had to quit my job and move an hour away in order to get support & left my oldest with his father. I almost had a nervous breakdown (broke out in hives and all). My car went back, I had no job, my son was gone - what would I do? I needed all that to be happy. I didn't know who I was without it.

A few years later, my husband wanted a separation. After having three children, I had to start over again. This time with a used car, used furniture - little to no money and with not much other than the kids occassionally, my laptop and work. In the recent years I had began searching for whatever it was that would bring me great success, not just a 9-5 life. But after the search stopped and I really began to think, I realized...once again, I felt that I needed something else outstanding to state that I was here, my life was big and meant something.

I eventually realized the only thing I needed to chase after or have, was me. No more comparisons, no more looking at the catalogs thinking "when I get this", no more looking at other's relationships and thinking I want that, houses, cars and people who quote unquote "had it all". This time, which was the first time, I was beginning to experience all that I was, rather than wanting all that I was not. All that I felt I had lost or gained was not who I was...therefore it was never mine, nor did I need it in the first place. The thing that made me happiest in life, I always had with me - and ultimately that was me.

So all the people, possessions and/or ideas I was chasing, have stopped. They have been replaced by whatever truly brings me the most joy and happiness. I am more focused on all that I do have and what allows me to feel successful in any given moment, which none of the outside world can influence.

All the things it took for me to get here - sour, the fact that I am here - sweet.

What to be when you grow up...or have reached almost 30.

It's funny b/c sometimes I think of my life as something that I haven't truly lived yet. Well, I guess that's when the difference of conscious & unconscious comes into play. Many of the things I've done/been, I have done out of the unconscious realm. Just doing what I thought I should do or picking up on inclinations & running with them. When you are conscious and awake in this life, so much more seems possible. This is great, however...decisions, decisions, decisions.

In highschool I worked on cash registers b/c I liked buttons. Then I went to college for graphics and got a job right afterwards. I decided I wanted to be a mother, so there that full-time job was put in front of me for at least 18 years and then some. So I had a great desire to work from home. I searched high and low to find something, anything in order to do so...and so I ended up finding customer service...something I semi did before college. Graphics degree, not required.

Then after all of that, I have had the desire to really search for my heart's desire, have my own business and do what I love doing all day long making more money than any company would ever pay me. Of course that has been the biggest challenge ever! I love writing...as you can see. But there are no jobs that are lined up in the newspapers to give you unlimited salary and allow you to talk about whatever it is that you like...all day long.

Then there is coaching, something I took a 3 month course on, love to do and have gotten some experience in, however - a marketer/PR person I am not. Building a business with little cash flow and limited time is not as easy as you would like it to be...especially when you work from home and everyone you could talk to about it, you already have. At the present moment, little people even know of life coaches & their purpose, much less do I know of anyone who has built a practice where they are hiring their own. I would possibly like to be this person, but it may be a good idea to have my own thriving practice first, huh?

So...while I love working from home, having the flexibility for the kids, and exploring my life possibilities, I don't love the $10/hr with no benefits deal. Also of course, I know I have so much great energy that I could be putting to better use than reserving someone's seat on a plane. Eventually all of this stuff will be wiped out with consumers having no choice but to arrange all their own stuff with no help unless they hire someone just for that specific purpose. I can't imagine the upset when only a computer will listen to your whines and complaints.

So I'm left with many things to ponder.

Do I dust off my graphics portfolio and drudge ahead with commutes, kid unfriendly policies, a boss, the hectic office environment and too long work days to still be pressed for income? At least you have insurance so when you end up going to the doctor b/c of your illness level, it's covered.

Do I open myself up to more training, another field and see if there's something else out there that I have missed for 29 years...real estate, the medical field or any other highlighed section off of a college brochure that has spoken in the slightest to me that I have denied hearing?

Do I listen to my desire to counsel in a less alternative form as coaching, pursue more education in that area so that I can go out and get a "real job" in order to do for a living. All while, hating school, the debt I'm incurring and the no guarantee even then of a career in it. Should I just keep my eyes open for an opportunity to get my foot in somewhere with it?

Or do I just keep the dream alive, (w/out benefits, and with the scary side affect) and stay focused on seeing any opportunity that may allow me to still be my own boss, do what I enjoy and keep hope alive that the pay, the security and the benefits will somehow follow?

Wow, talk about sweet and sour all at the same time!!

Lazy summer for me :)

Well...it's mid-July and I'm loving the hot summer weather...as long as you have some a/c (which I did get fixed TG) and a pool that's not too far from where you are, then how can you go wrong?

I'm getting that mid-summer itch for fall. The itch usually finds me in the middle of any season. If it's summer, I'm thinking fall. If it's fall, I'm thinking winter, winter...spring - and so how the story goes.

So along with my summer enjoyment, I've hit a lazy spot.

Upon approaching the age of 30 I started to think about what I've done, yet how much I still want to do...transforming my life into less of the "must" do's and "want" to do's. This task may seem simple, however I've learned that the transformation takes time. To go from physical survival to spritual thrival (yep, my own word, how do you like it?) is possibly a life long process - so the question is, how do I get it down in a matter of years?

First I've set the goal of being all that I want to be in life by the time I'm 35. And not to say that in many ways I'm not all the things that I want to be now, however many of these things are still small seeds and the realization must get and be clearer. In other words, to ask myself what it is that I truly want to be and come up with the answers and then really be able to see it...takes some time. So it will take awhile before things manifest and I can see the fruits of my becoming...sour, yet still sweet.

One of the obvious things I am and want to consume more of my life with is writing. So "Lemonade" is a great outlet for me, something that I hope I can share with many people and they will come to love, just as I am.

But my summer (or maybe all season) laziness has gotten in my way. As you may have noticed, I haven't written in quite a few days...sour.

I also have hit cruise control on my coaching business as well. I just finished up an intensive 3 month course & just received a certificate of completion. Wow, another something to frame, except this one I am a complete proud parent of. The logo at the bottom says "infinite possibilities", how I am mad, crazy & in love with that!!

A few of my clients have drifted off into the abyss & I haven't spent time worrying about marketing for more.

This rush to create, pursue and accomplish has taken a back burner to a house that needed to be cleaned, kids that needed bedtime stories, my 40 hour a wk day job that needed calls to be answered, my car that got sick on me, brain frying reality t.v. and my need to relish in this summer before it is too soon gone.

How we get to and fro...

My first car was a salvaged Nissan Sentra - basically a little basic box on four wheels with a steering wheel. However those wheels had five stars, the windows were tinted and there was a nice burgundy color paint coat on the box. It wasn't the new car I was wishing for, but it was great to be blessed with a car even before your sixteenth birthday. It taught me alot about cars and what could go wrong with them...it actually lasted me three years.

Then came the new cars. The first one I bought (so to speak) the next two were nice new leases. Agh, the Jetta, my first car love...and since then the last. After being tired of the car payment, high insurance and my credit being less than polished, I knew the next car would have to be paid for. Fortunately, I was married and my husband allowed me to save enough and I bought a decent SUV to support all three of the kids at a pretty good deal.

But with the used car again - so come the used problems. No matter how great the condition of a vehicle is, if it's older...it going to start to have it's issues. And what fun it is when they begin to happen. With this truck, I've had it a year...and thus far, was lucky.

Until yesterday of course. When I pressed in the clutch and it happened to stay there. Stranded, I had to call for backup and fortunately I had it...but what a miserable feeling...thank God for cell phones and people that don't mind transporting you. I may be checking out AAA today, however that still doesn't cure the nice fix it bill that will eventually arrive, nor your time away from having transportation. Of course my mother reminded me, I walked for eight years...maybe that's what the problem is and why I feel so vulnerable when it comes to transportation, out of that eight years, there were quite a few when I was with her.

Walking to the store and carrying groceries up a huge mountainous hill on a hot as hell summer day isn't usually anyone's idea of fun. Sure I have plenty to remind my children of what they should be grateful for, however it will never ease that pain.

What is it about vehicle that spells the word power? If you live in the city, many take subways and the like...but do they with three kids? I couldn't imagine. Which I'm still in the south, so not an option, nor a real desire.

So as I brace for the bill and look forward to be escorted to get my wheels back, I will reconsider this whole used car thing - and contemplate what is worse - being stranded with a used vehicle or having a car payment. I will look at both as undesirables and try to manage coming up will possibilities to eliminating both.